Sunday School Teacher, Leading Children to Church After Their Lesson: Okay, children, can anyone tell me why it is important to keep quiet in church during the service.
Innocent Little Girl Raising Hand: Because a lot of the people there are asleep?
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Joke: The Stingy Bank Loan Officer
The bank President instructs the loan officer in the New York City office, "Listen, these are tough times. We have to eliminate risk from our loan portfolio. So, from now on, only lend money to people who don't need it. And make sure that those are well-secured loans."
The loan officer agrees.
A few minutes later, in walks a famous, fabulously wealthy movie star hunk and his voluptuous female escort. The movie star says, "Listen, I'd like to borrow $15,000."
The loan officer thinks, "WOW! This is unbelievable! A fabulously wealthy borrower, who clearly doesn't need the money!"
So, the loan officer puts on a grim, business-like face and says, "Ahem, I think that we can help you, sir. But, of course we'll need collateral."
The movie star smiles and says, "How about my brand new $1.7 million Burgatti Veyron, which does 0 to 60 in 2.6 seconds, and maxes-out at one-third the speed of sound!"
The loan officer thinks, "Sheesh! The world's most expensive sports car! That's security enough!" But, while he manages to retain his business-like demeanor, he has the movie star sign some papers, he receives his car keys from him, explains that the car will be parked in the bank's secure, insured car lot, and he gives him a bank check for $15,000.
The movie star smiles and says, "Your man will find the car parked in back of the building."
The bank president is shocked at the report of his loan officer's quick success, and writes a memo entitling him to a bonus with the next paycheck.
A week later, the movie star comes back to the loan officer, smiling, a different lovely girl hanging on his arm.
"I'm here to repay my debt," he says. "How much do I owe you?"
Puzzled, the loan officer takes out his calculator, and multiplies $15,000 x .07 interest -:- 52 weeks per year, and says, "That will be the $15,000 we loaned you, plus $20.19."
The movie star gives the loan officer back the bank's own $15,000 check, and a $20 bill and a quarter from his pocket. "Keep the change," he says. "Now, where are my car keys?"
The loan officer is numb with astonishment. "But if you did not even need the $15,000, why did you borrow it?"
The movie star smiles and says, "Where else can I park a $1.7 million car in Manhattan for a week for $20.19?"
The loan officer agrees.
A few minutes later, in walks a famous, fabulously wealthy movie star hunk and his voluptuous female escort. The movie star says, "Listen, I'd like to borrow $15,000."
The loan officer thinks, "WOW! This is unbelievable! A fabulously wealthy borrower, who clearly doesn't need the money!"
So, the loan officer puts on a grim, business-like face and says, "Ahem, I think that we can help you, sir. But, of course we'll need collateral."
The movie star smiles and says, "How about my brand new $1.7 million Burgatti Veyron, which does 0 to 60 in 2.6 seconds, and maxes-out at one-third the speed of sound!"
The loan officer thinks, "Sheesh! The world's most expensive sports car! That's security enough!" But, while he manages to retain his business-like demeanor, he has the movie star sign some papers, he receives his car keys from him, explains that the car will be parked in the bank's secure, insured car lot, and he gives him a bank check for $15,000.
The movie star smiles and says, "Your man will find the car parked in back of the building."
The bank president is shocked at the report of his loan officer's quick success, and writes a memo entitling him to a bonus with the next paycheck.
A week later, the movie star comes back to the loan officer, smiling, a different lovely girl hanging on his arm.
"I'm here to repay my debt," he says. "How much do I owe you?"
Puzzled, the loan officer takes out his calculator, and multiplies $15,000 x .07 interest -:- 52 weeks per year, and says, "That will be the $15,000 we loaned you, plus $20.19."
The movie star gives the loan officer back the bank's own $15,000 check, and a $20 bill and a quarter from his pocket. "Keep the change," he says. "Now, where are my car keys?"
The loan officer is numb with astonishment. "But if you did not even need the $15,000, why did you borrow it?"
The movie star smiles and says, "Where else can I park a $1.7 million car in Manhattan for a week for $20.19?"
Monday, June 14, 2010
Death Jokes
A man goes to his doctor for a blood test, and then he goes on vacation.
After his vacation, the moment he steps in the door the telephone rings. The man picks up, and it's his doctor. "I've got good news and bad news for you," says the doctor.
"I'll take the good news first," says the man."
"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.
"What???!!!" says the man, "What???!!! That's the 'good' news???!!! What in Heaven's Holy Name is the 'bad' news???!!!"
The doctor answered, "I started trying to call you yesterday."
___________
A young man goes to his doctor, who gives him a very thorough examination. Finally, the doctor says, "I have some very bad news for you. You only have ten left to live."
"'Ten'!!!!!!!!!!" quotes the man angrily, "'Ten'!!!!!!!!!! Ten what?????????? Years? Months? Weeks? Days?"
"Nine..." the doctor answers.
After his vacation, the moment he steps in the door the telephone rings. The man picks up, and it's his doctor. "I've got good news and bad news for you," says the doctor.
"I'll take the good news first," says the man."
"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.
"What???!!!" says the man, "What???!!! That's the 'good' news???!!! What in Heaven's Holy Name is the 'bad' news???!!!"
The doctor answered, "I started trying to call you yesterday."
___________
A young man goes to his doctor, who gives him a very thorough examination. Finally, the doctor says, "I have some very bad news for you. You only have ten left to live."
"'Ten'!!!!!!!!!!" quotes the man angrily, "'Ten'!!!!!!!!!! Ten what?????????? Years? Months? Weeks? Days?"
"Nine..." the doctor answers.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Which Reminds Me of a Joke...
A man walking along the beach in California sees a bottle in the sand and rubs it and out pops the genie, of course.
"Oh, no!," complains the genie, "Not another one! The fifth one this week! Don't tell me! You want three wishes, right? Well, forget the three wish business! You only get one, you moron, so choose wisely!"
Disconcerted, the man says, "I hate sailing, and I'm terrified of flying, so build me a steel bridge from here to Hawaii, so that I can finally visit Hawaii."
The genie responds, "Look, think of the problems entailed by your request -- billions of tons of concrete and steel. I'd have to enslave thousands, for your stupid little visit. The environmental impact would be giant. Getting state, federal and international approvals would be next to impossible. Shipping companies will be wildly opposed. Can't you think of something else?"
"Well," the man responds, "I can't understand women. I can't figure out what they mean when they talk in 'code.' They say one thing but mean the other. And all of this business about feelings and emotions. Can you explain women to me?"
The genie answes, "Will that be two lanes, or four?"
"Oh, no!," complains the genie, "Not another one! The fifth one this week! Don't tell me! You want three wishes, right? Well, forget the three wish business! You only get one, you moron, so choose wisely!"
Disconcerted, the man says, "I hate sailing, and I'm terrified of flying, so build me a steel bridge from here to Hawaii, so that I can finally visit Hawaii."
The genie responds, "Look, think of the problems entailed by your request -- billions of tons of concrete and steel. I'd have to enslave thousands, for your stupid little visit. The environmental impact would be giant. Getting state, federal and international approvals would be next to impossible. Shipping companies will be wildly opposed. Can't you think of something else?"
"Well," the man responds, "I can't understand women. I can't figure out what they mean when they talk in 'code.' They say one thing but mean the other. And all of this business about feelings and emotions. Can you explain women to me?"
The genie answes, "Will that be two lanes, or four?"
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Vietnam and Gender Issues
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One of my favorite jokes is about the Vietnam War. A young American soldier is patroling the roads in Binh Duong Province when he comes across a farmer walking down the road. The farmer knows some English, and they begin conversing. After awhile he notices that there is a Vietnamese woman following them, with two dogs, about 100 meters to the rear. The American soldier asks, "Who's that?" and the farmer answers, "Oh, that is my wife!"
That the wife must always walk in the rear upsets the soldier, and he gives a lecture to the farmer on how to treat women, The farmer smiles condescendingly as he listens.
The soldier left Vietnam a few years later, with the end of the war, there, but he returns to Vietnam 20 years later, as so many Vietnam vets have done, and catches a bus to Binh Duong Province.
He is glad to see that the roads which he used to patrol had not changed much. Suddenly, ahead of him, he sees the same farmer he had talked with that day 20 years before. This time, however, the wife is walking 50 meters ahead of the farmer.
Delighted to see such a change, the American runs up to the farmer, greets him in the Vietnamese tongue, and then he begins to compliment the farmer for having grown so much, emotionally and philosophically, that he had begun to let his wife walk in front of him.
The farmer smiles and says, "Land mines."
As I came to know the Vietnamese over the years, I saw that this joke parodying the Vietnamese attitude toward women is not wide of the mark.
My first encounter with that attitude occurred as follows.
One blistering hot day, I was invited by my Vietnamese neighbors to an afternoon of cold drinks in their air conditioned living room. When I got there, I saw that about 10 Vietnamese men were in attendance. I said to the husband, "Thanh, where's Trang and little Nhu?"
"It's okay, Peter," he answered. "Trang is shopping. She took Nhu with her." I thought to myself, "Well, at least she is doing something she would like to do, in an air conditioned mall."
About 10 minutes later, the front door exploded open. There was Trang, soaked with sweat, with a heavy bag of groceries in her left arm, a baby of one of the other men in her right arm. The baby's diaper was soiled, and feces was overflowing out of the diaper onto Trang's right arm. Little Nhu, hot and tired and cranky, was pulling on Trang's left arm, crying, making demands, despite the groceries. None of the men even looked Trang's way. They continued drinking, laughing and talking.
I watched Trang put the groceries on the table, lay the baby on a towel on the kitchen floor. I heard her wash off her arm in the kitchen sink. Then, with little Nhu still pulling on her arm and crying and begging in Vietnamese, Trang rushed out the door to get more groceries.
My foolish American conscience was too big for all of this. When Trang came back in, this time carrying two bags of groceries, and Nhu still pulling on her arm, crying, and the men continued ignoring her, I stood up and loudly said, "TRANG!"
Trang stopped dead in her tracks and the room fell silent and all turned toward me. I said, "Trang, there's an empty seat here in the air conditioned living rom. I know, because I just got out of it. I will take Nhu and find out what she wants and make her happy. Thanh will fix you a cold drink while you sit in my seat here in the air conditioned living rom. The baby's father will clean the baby and change his diaper. The other men here will bring in the rest of the groceries and put them away."
All stood frozen, for about 10 seconds. Finally, Trang said, "Mr. Peter, I know what you are trying to do, but it will do no good."
Receiving these words as affirmation that Trang had reassumed her low place vis-a-vis men, and forgiving me for being a stupid foreigner, the Vietnamese men suddenly went back to laughing and talking and ignoring Trang. Figuring that I had caused enough revolution for the day, I self-consciously went back to bonding with the men.
That's Vietnam.
Happy Mother's Day!
.
One of my favorite jokes is about the Vietnam War. A young American soldier is patroling the roads in Binh Duong Province when he comes across a farmer walking down the road. The farmer knows some English, and they begin conversing. After awhile he notices that there is a Vietnamese woman following them, with two dogs, about 100 meters to the rear. The American soldier asks, "Who's that?" and the farmer answers, "Oh, that is my wife!"
That the wife must always walk in the rear upsets the soldier, and he gives a lecture to the farmer on how to treat women, The farmer smiles condescendingly as he listens.
The soldier left Vietnam a few years later, with the end of the war, there, but he returns to Vietnam 20 years later, as so many Vietnam vets have done, and catches a bus to Binh Duong Province.
He is glad to see that the roads which he used to patrol had not changed much. Suddenly, ahead of him, he sees the same farmer he had talked with that day 20 years before. This time, however, the wife is walking 50 meters ahead of the farmer.
Delighted to see such a change, the American runs up to the farmer, greets him in the Vietnamese tongue, and then he begins to compliment the farmer for having grown so much, emotionally and philosophically, that he had begun to let his wife walk in front of him.
The farmer smiles and says, "Land mines."
As I came to know the Vietnamese over the years, I saw that this joke parodying the Vietnamese attitude toward women is not wide of the mark.
My first encounter with that attitude occurred as follows.
One blistering hot day, I was invited by my Vietnamese neighbors to an afternoon of cold drinks in their air conditioned living room. When I got there, I saw that about 10 Vietnamese men were in attendance. I said to the husband, "Thanh, where's Trang and little Nhu?"
"It's okay, Peter," he answered. "Trang is shopping. She took Nhu with her." I thought to myself, "Well, at least she is doing something she would like to do, in an air conditioned mall."
About 10 minutes later, the front door exploded open. There was Trang, soaked with sweat, with a heavy bag of groceries in her left arm, a baby of one of the other men in her right arm. The baby's diaper was soiled, and feces was overflowing out of the diaper onto Trang's right arm. Little Nhu, hot and tired and cranky, was pulling on Trang's left arm, crying, making demands, despite the groceries. None of the men even looked Trang's way. They continued drinking, laughing and talking.
I watched Trang put the groceries on the table, lay the baby on a towel on the kitchen floor. I heard her wash off her arm in the kitchen sink. Then, with little Nhu still pulling on her arm and crying and begging in Vietnamese, Trang rushed out the door to get more groceries.
My foolish American conscience was too big for all of this. When Trang came back in, this time carrying two bags of groceries, and Nhu still pulling on her arm, crying, and the men continued ignoring her, I stood up and loudly said, "TRANG!"
Trang stopped dead in her tracks and the room fell silent and all turned toward me. I said, "Trang, there's an empty seat here in the air conditioned living rom. I know, because I just got out of it. I will take Nhu and find out what she wants and make her happy. Thanh will fix you a cold drink while you sit in my seat here in the air conditioned living rom. The baby's father will clean the baby and change his diaper. The other men here will bring in the rest of the groceries and put them away."
All stood frozen, for about 10 seconds. Finally, Trang said, "Mr. Peter, I know what you are trying to do, but it will do no good."
Receiving these words as affirmation that Trang had reassumed her low place vis-a-vis men, and forgiving me for being a stupid foreigner, the Vietnamese men suddenly went back to laughing and talking and ignoring Trang. Figuring that I had caused enough revolution for the day, I self-consciously went back to bonding with the men.
That's Vietnam.
Happy Mother's Day!
.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mr. Potato, Ms. Potato, and Waitress Potato
A few readers here will be upset with me for the following. One of the things I believe is that God gave us a sense of humor to make fun of everything, including human sexuality. So, sex jokes to the appropriate audiences are moral, in my eyes -- even morally good.
While I try to structure this blog as a kind of semi-religious variety magazine, I'm fairly clear that, while it is far from pornographic, it is not for kids.
So, here goes my first joke...
I got this one from a Vietnamese friend, Trang.
Mr. Potato and Ms. Potato go into a tavern for some time together, some drinks, some talk.
As she comes to their table to serve them, Waitress Potato sees Mr. Potato and thinks, "ZOWEE! WHAT A SPUD!"
So, Waitress Potato is especially ingratiating when she serves Mr. Potato. She jokes, she laughs, she compliments him, and she brings him a free drink. She ignores Ms. Potato, who's really uncomfortable with this. There's no doubt about it, Waitress Potato is flirting.
But, Mr. Potato is kind of slow. He's not responding.
Finally, Ms. Potato has to go to the bathroom, and Waitress potato closes-in for the kill. She brings Mr. Potato another free drink. She starts asking questions. She's killing herself trying to get him to respond.
But he's just not getting the message.
Finally, Waitress Potato says, "Listen, I've been killing myself trying to flirt with you, but I just don't seem to be getting through. Ms. Potato is going to be back from the bathroom any second. So, tell me quick...
"Are you Herr's, or are you Frito-Lay?"
While I try to structure this blog as a kind of semi-religious variety magazine, I'm fairly clear that, while it is far from pornographic, it is not for kids.
So, here goes my first joke...
I got this one from a Vietnamese friend, Trang.
Mr. Potato and Ms. Potato go into a tavern for some time together, some drinks, some talk.
As she comes to their table to serve them, Waitress Potato sees Mr. Potato and thinks, "ZOWEE! WHAT A SPUD!"
So, Waitress Potato is especially ingratiating when she serves Mr. Potato. She jokes, she laughs, she compliments him, and she brings him a free drink. She ignores Ms. Potato, who's really uncomfortable with this. There's no doubt about it, Waitress Potato is flirting.
But, Mr. Potato is kind of slow. He's not responding.
Finally, Ms. Potato has to go to the bathroom, and Waitress potato closes-in for the kill. She brings Mr. Potato another free drink. She starts asking questions. She's killing herself trying to get him to respond.
But he's just not getting the message.
Finally, Waitress Potato says, "Listen, I've been killing myself trying to flirt with you, but I just don't seem to be getting through. Ms. Potato is going to be back from the bathroom any second. So, tell me quick...
"Are you Herr's, or are you Frito-Lay?"
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